“How To prepare for a Tropical Storm/Hurricane”
13. What fools be to flaunt nature’s will and seek to ride out storms unprepared. Wind shall tear open your house and water shall float away your conveyance to utter ruin. But forgot did I where I was an age of insurance for every possible calamity and suffering.
12. Unless such misfortune as to reside in a dry place the primary stock should be amber liquids of vast variety. There is little pain to be found in loss when with alcoholic haze the memories of a lifetime are swept away in roiling clouds and thrashing seas.
11. For those wretched souls who claim teetotalism as their sacred screed then quantity of potable water should be laid in. But lo you that purchase such libations in jugs shall be unworthy of saving when thunder cracks trees to the ground and roofs cave.
10. In boxes and cans from distant lands the foodstuffs worthy of empire will not be palatable without the power of the Gods surging through copper wire. Before reduced by need to scavenging in fetid gutter remember to have opener and swamp gas distilled for cooking raw flesh.
9. You there with flowing hair draw near and tell me true. Your torch burns with bright white light. What name you this miracle? Indeed? Then my second will meet yours and my fists shall be the true battery upon the field of conflict for no insult can go unchallenged.
8. I grow weary of speaking the solitude I crave is broke by squawking yonder box. Warnings and watches how do you moderns survive with unremitting din assaulting ears? Perhaps the constant flow of others’ thoughts has made you weak and fearful thus prone to hyperbole.
7. Yes I do believe I am correct. Penniless I was and penniless I died for no plastic eased my way and raised me far above my station. Charity spurned and life tossed aside but no man was ever my master. Life is an emergency condition you cannot escape no matter how many Midas funds you bury.
6. What folly now I see when those with four legs or wings or scales are not prepared for feasting but instead clothed in outfits that match. Related such tales to those who haunt waterfront dives and was tossed on my arse for being crazy. Did you hear what I said Nevermore?
5. Order slaves to remain behind as you flee to higher dryer ground. Leave a trusted servant if such can be found and with lash and fear your property be boarded and secured while safe in snug harbor make merry with ill-gotten gains.
4. Elegant clippers ply angry seas and give tribute to Neptune as ever ancient mariners have done when battened hatches fail. Widows’ weeds and black bunting for merchants while lost urchins pick rags but trade in tea and indigo must go on for those trinkets that are bought with blood.
3. Enough gloom I deem! On my father’s honor you sir are a prophet of doom! The skies will clear life will return and though I confess that death will claim me one day it is not now and not from storm wracked waves I shall succumb. With candlelight’s glow let us pass time with charades and laugh away the wind’s wrath.
2. For ’tis true the optimist is frowned upon and scorned for rose’s garden paths yet most resplendent and soft are your features in flickering shadows. A confession dear one the stress of vocation makes short tempered a man but rounded assets and feather bolsters can make short work of even stiffest necks.
1. And so it comes to this no matter the euphemism employed for tender sensibilities when danger lurks the primal force surges in all manner of beasts. So preparing for a ride of furious proportions is best spent in bed with willing partners making passionate noises and sweaty skin.