Finding time to redecorate

On my tenth anniversary of understanding I was a multiple personality, I posted “where do you live?” as an explanation with a link to Rose’s blog. As a multiple personality, over the past decade, we have become comfortable in our identity. I consider myself to be normal, the fact that five other personalities exist in my interior psyche, one being a woman, is not something I really think about anymore.

When we first were trying to sort out all the different voices, we settled on two different ways of coping. The first is that as ‘Brian’, I am the bus driver. I am the personality you see in person and who writes poetry and fiction on this blog. I am the name that takes care of my disabled wife. I pay the bills, cook the meals, clean the house, drive her to doctors appointments ten times a month. If you would ever meet me, you would think I am rather ordinary. My job is to steer the collective in a safe and sane manner.

The second way of coping, is they – the other five personalities – live in a house together. The interior is personalized to each one’s taste, they all have separate rooms, and generally speaking, they get along by ignoring each other. Rose has the final say when disputes arise. The key aspect in all this, is that I – Brian – am not allowed inside except by invitation when a family meeting is required. What they do all day I have no idea. As long as it does not impact the way I relate to the world at large, they can do anything they want.

There is one exception. Rose. She has as much right to exist as I do. Her interior head-space is so different from mine that, were we to fight for control, the results would be… not good, shall we say. From the very first moment I realized Dewy Knickers, that is one of her personalities online, the other is Bawdy Wench, was a real woman, I told her she could come out any time she wanted. That includes writing and speaking. She’s also driven our car on occasion. For the most part these days, she is content to observe and request certain activities.

I bring all this up, because the beginning of the year is always cause for reflection. 2016 was a very difficult year. Being a full-time caretaker has changed many things. The fact that I can write this is indicative of being home all day instead of in the workforce.

But you know something? I like being a multiple personality. It makes me – Brian – a better person.

shop til you drop

The references to past personages in relation to pre-computer generations has a direct correlation to the total number of said personages recognized by persons of a certain age without prompting to Google for references, thus the conclusion can be drawn that the per-computer generations, were in fact mesmerized by television, and chose lifestyle choices based on personages who became famous through exploits on said television. Advertising bought into this lifestyle by portraying an alternative to the drab and dreary life lead by the average viewer if said viewers would only purchase the latest and greatest life changing doohicky, endorsed by the latest and greatest hero/heroine of the moment.

Today’s generation of course has been ruined anew by advertising portraying that the past generations were slackers and ruined the world due to excessive consumption, thus the urgent need to consume what’s left before it is too late.

heal thyself in the fullness of time

“Can’t let go”

There is a fine line at the junction of anger and hate. It’s hard to let go. Hard to understand the past is past and nothing; no therapy, no drugs, nothing can ever erase the pain of abuse. Anger fuels despair. The hopeless feelings of worthlessness lead to self-abuse and suicide. Hate of them becomes hate of self. The meeting point of these two powerful emotions becomes not a way-point but a permanent dwelling of shame. To forgive them is not a betrayal nor an acceptance of the abuse. It is an essential step away from the junction and towards healing the open wounds. Forgiving does not mean going back, forgiving does not mean continuing as a victim. Without forgiveness of self, the anger and hate will ultimately consume whatever remnant of hope still flickers in the soul.

Authors note: This was written years ago but I have always struggled with the inner emotional soundtrack laid down in childhood. Right now due to the changing seasons I am dealing with depression and anxiety and that is why I have not been commenting on your posts.

finding your soul mate is not poetry

Complacency can be mistaken for a soul mate. So can lust. Or the perfect pizza. Nature – or DNA if you prefer – has many devious and subtle tricks of ensuring the genetic material is passed through the generations. What seems to be the ultimate test of human survival, a long-term relationship together, is often cloaked in the mystique of love. That, and the catch-phrase, ‘Soul Mate’. It compensates for many shortcomings. For to be a soul mate requires a suspension of disbelief and an unwavering view in the decency and goodness of your partner. It’s not only having faith in them, it’s having faith in your own judgment. It is always easier to blame yourself rather than them if the relationship falls apart. Nor is it likely, or even desired, to be limited to only one soul mate. It may be that the entire notion is archaic.

But there is something valid in the notion of the soul mate that is beyond poetry and flowers. Even though physics tells us that the observer cannot see without altering the outcome, unlike particles and waves, the observed has free will to resist. Why do two people connect? There are chemical reasons – pheromones seeking like honeybees and returning to the hive mind to dance the message of consummation – but those do not tell the entire story. Nor do intellectual reasons in this age of electronic communication. How can you know? How can a single glance/thought impart an infinite cascade of information that within a fraction of time yields the answer: He/She is the One? Nothing in our experiences of human existence can fully explain attraction. It is obviously very faulty and through the eons societies have sought to control the raw selection process, but in the end, there is in fact something beyond science, beyond faith, driving us out into the world of emotions. We search for a soul mate, and even when finding them, there always remains a slight nagging deep in the heart. Are we supposed to be together? What if I was wrong?

a trusted recipe for love

Whether working from scratch or from a time-honored secret family recipe, when it comes to love everyone has their own opinion as to what makes the best ingredients. There are however many ingredients that should always be included in any type of marriage bondage, err bonds.

Note: the quantities feeds two but you can adjust to suit your needs.

4 cups of Dry Communication.

This first ingredient begins with the attraction stage when the glances and smiles lead to sharing life stories. Communication is also easily forsaken later so make sure it is blended well into the finished product.

2 pints of Liquid Passion

You can get the dry version of Passion but for the best results seek out the highest quality liquid you can afford. It should be clear with a smoky aftertaste that is smooth never bitter.

1 and 1/2 sticks of Intimacy

The next ingredient is vital as it’s the agent that binds together lasting love. Often mistaken for Passion, to the detriment of the marriage, a stick of Intimacy should be firm yet yielding and very long-lasting.

3 ounces of Respect

1 tablespoon of Anger

2 pounds of minced Sex

1 teaspoon of Pain

2 liquid ounces of Empathy

1 whole thinly chopped Support

The ingredients above can and should be adjusted often to meet the changing needs within a marriage. Try adding different spices and kinks to flavor the dish and make it uniquely yours. Don’t be afraid to experiment and show your love in a variety of ways. So now that we have a good base to work with, let’s start putting it all together.

Take a large mixing bowl and sift the 4 cups of Communication until it’s smooth. Add the 1 tablespoon of Anger, 1 teaspoon of Pain and the 3 ounces of Respect, gently blend together then set to one side. Next in a large saucepan over medium heat melt the 1 and 1/2 sticks of Intimacy. Slowly pour into the pan the 2 pints of Passion and 2 ounces of Empathy and heat until simmering. Add the thinly chopped Support and cook until the sauce turns brown then remove from the heat.

Next you want to combine the dry and liquid ingredients together so slowly pour the sauce while blending it into the dry mix. Be very careful not to pour too quickly as this will make clumps in the bowl, but don’t wait until the sauce is cold as this will make the love curdle. When completely mixed together the ingredients should be smooth and thick but flowing. The next step should be done by the happy couple and that’s adding the 2 pounds of minced Sex into the batter [hopefully you’ll do this naked.]

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F while you’re adding the Sex and when thoroughly satisfied you’ve spent enough time together with the wet and the dry, scoop the batter into a greased baking dish. Before you pop the bun in the oven though there are three more ingredients to add.

1/2 cup of grated Joy

3/4 cup of ground Laughter

A pinch of Tears

Take these last three ingredients and sprinkle across the top of the dish. They will add a flavorful crust and zest to a meal that is both nutritious and filling. Hope this recipe works for you.

Bon Appétit