I debated long and hard about reposting this poem and thus outing myself, not because I am ashamed of who I am or feel the need for attention or sympathy, but because my thoughts are always tinged in color from the others and their opinion matters. I have always been a strong advocate of mental health care and for those who are different. I am Brian: they are not. Why now? Why not? If this past election has showed anything it has highlighted the need for tolerance and dialogue. My poetry and fiction seeks to heal.
red
red lives in opposition to
blue
blue for serenity
red for rage
pain lives in joints
bones
sinews
heart
where I live is
within
not
without
yellow
yellow lives high above
green
green makes me sneeze
pain lives in sinuses
stomach
head
soul
where I live is
within
not
without
within lives my others
loud
naughty
sad
scared
intelligent
brave
they live through me
without me
within me
a part of me
that few see
but all know
of my others
without colors
my body is mine
not theirs
my pain is mine
not theirs
some are
within
some are
without
but all
are
where I live
where we live
and I wouldn’t change a thing
about where I live
with my others
within
Ten years ago on Nov. 18th, 2006 I realized – at age 43 – that I was a multiple personality with five others inside our mind. At that time I was blogging extensively on several blogs and had just returned from a visit with friends made online. It was the final piece in a puzzle that was my very confused life. Everything that had ever happened all the way back to my abusive childhood suddenly made complete and logical sense. The emotion I felt the most strongly was an overwhelming sense of relief that I wasn’t actually ill and the therapy and medication had simply masked the truth. I wrote about this process daily at my original blog and have never mentioned it here because it has not been relevant thus far to my poetry and fiction. This blog is all my own, not one of Rose’s two blogs. She’s an amazing writer, a better poet than me and my friend that I love deeply {yes she lives inside my mind} and although I’d like her to blog again, she chooses not to at this time. My poems about London and Paris, Paris2, Paris3 and the Underground are my memories while hers are written in the brilliant travel book she wrote in 2007. If you want to know how it all works then I urge you to go to Rose’s blog and read her book. We consider ourselves to be normal. If this doesn’t fit your worldview… oh well, we at least know where we live. Do you?
I really like your poem and am glad that you decided to share it. You are who you are and I don’t understand those who would seek to judge you harshly for that or be unkind. I would imagine that those who appreciate you are in much larger numbers and I hope that you can hear those voices so loudly that they will drown out any which are not so supportive. Personally I feel lucky to have met such an interesting and supportive friend.
LikeLike
Thank you Missy. Like I said it was 10 years ago so to me it’s so normal as to hardly merit a comment. Thank you for your support as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, what a fresh and frank post from you Brian. Great to you and all of you within you.
LikeLike
Thanks for commenting. I don’t mind being frank if the occasion calls for it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There are times when it is not good to be too open then like your post today it is so wide open and in right place to do so.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your inner selves and this poem Brian, I see a lot of talent and creativity in your different voices :o)
LikeLike
Thanks, there are many aspects that are very nice about having instant feedback.
LikeLiked by 1 person
☺
LikeLike
I nominated you for the mystery blogger award.
https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/16/my-first-mystery-blogger-award-nomination/
LikeLike
I think this is what I like the most here… we are who we are, and different is the best part of writing… I like your poem a lot and your honesty even more… I once tried on another personality on line…
LikeLike
Thanks for being so welcoming with your comments and prompts. I really enjoy the friendship and supportive community.
LikeLike
Real poetry is about being open and authentic,, so I applaud you for this. I’m continually learning more about myself as well, as time passes.
LikeLike
Thanks Tim. It’s been 10 years but it was time to update my life here.
LikeLike
An honest personal share Brian ~ I think you are a courageous person to share your journey ~ And really as we grow older, we learn to accept who we are, where we live, with others or not ~
LikeLike
It was rough for awhile until everyone settled down. Rose is the only one who pops up once in awhile. Ten years on, it’s the best thing that ever happened.
LikeLike
Yay! You came out!!! I’m SO proud of you. 🙂 You feel better? Man, you know I get this, way more than I’d like to … especially reading the “naughty” line. It’s not every one of my people people such a bad girl all the time. It really is just a couple of them. Anyway, tell Rose I said hi.
LikeLike
Thanks Z-girl. Speaking of Rose, she wants to know if there is an email of yours that stays active. Ten years ago she was a wild girl. 😉
LikeLike
Jes. I miss Rose. 🙂 Tell that girl to get up with me immediately. And ask her if she wants to have a sleepover. 😛
polkadotthought@gmail.com
vanillaskything@gmail.com
LikeLike
Careful what you ask for. Rose is very proud of her rounded assets. 😉
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing. Appreciate your courage and honesty. Your writing is terrrific.
LikeLike
Thank you, I appreciate the complement very much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m grateful that you shared this, Brian. Your authenticity is inspiring and that’s what I like best in writers.
LikeLike
Thanks. Being authentic is what I strive for but don’t always achieve.
LikeLike
Interesting. Although I personally think you are an excellent poet! I’m glad you “came out”…I like that you are real and honest and write from your heart, that you are different as we all are different.
LikeLike
Very interesting. 🙂 I mentioned the poetry because Rose’s is much more biting and emotional. Like I said it’s been ten years but being off-line for four years has led to an entire new group of friends.
LikeLike
Good to hear this!
LikeLike
It seem you are comfortable with this and you can really help others who struggle. If they others are as gifted with words as I see here, I’m almost jealous 🙂 Thank you for being honest and sharing.
LikeLike
We are very comfortable. Thank you for commenting.
LikeLike
Brian! I applaud your courage. We are all individuals , no cookie cutters, but we are ashamed for that difference. You raise a good question for me: I write in different voices, and I have been questioned repeatedly (by some pretty dull people …not poets thankfully) as to being a ‘liar’ as to who and what I am, and it has mystified me for years: I am me, and I dig deep for other voices inside. I have a Japanese self/ A Hungarian self/ a Celtic self/ a Turkish self, and probably a really rotten self. LOL! All these ‘selfs’ make me a writer and able to write in these modes. I am thankful for this because I have, like you,…escaped a childhood of abuse where the chief abuser, at 96 is still going vemonous. These selfs have led me into power and control over my own abilities. I agree whole heartedly: we are deeply affected by the opinions and thoughts of others….but we can break those chains and live an abundant life. Bravo, my dear friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Jane. When I first came out 10 years ago, we were attacked by trolls and by other multiple personalities who thought we were shamming. We went after the trolls and they went back into their caves. The other multiples we simply explained who we were and why our experience was not their experience. One thing we have learned is that together we are strong enough to thrive. I am Brian 99% of the time, Rose can talk to me when she wants to.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ANYBODY can talk to me, any time. I get lonely. The trolls were real in my neck of the woods….I was raised in a Norwegian neighborhood…and there was a small culvert with rushing water….thar be the troll cave. LOL! Oh, you were talking about internet trolls. Sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sorry Brian, I inadvertently left a comment for someone else’s post here, not being aware the computer had jumped.
I have left posting a response to yours on hold until I return home from where I need to be soon as I need to give your post the respectful response it deserves.
Sorry again and will return here in a few hours.
Kind regards
Anna :o]
LikeLike
I deleted the other comment Anna. There is no problem with anything you choose to write and I thank you for your consideration.
LikeLike
Hi Brian
Cheers for clearing the misplaced comment. I’m so glad I realised my error soon after, otherwise what would you have thought of me re the (apparent) flippant remark of invisibility. I have been mortified with myself ever since.
I have read most of your signposts and understand more, also updated myself on DID. I presume you were wrongly diagnosed along the way and incorrectly medicated. It is good that you were able to find the answer yourself and this providing you with that overwhelming sense of relief. I admire you very much and applaud you.
Of your poem, if I understand correctly, those who live ‘without’ (towards the close) are not the others (?) rather those who exist outside (us) and do not see your colours?
“…and I wouldn’t change a thing
about where I live
with my others
within”
I salute you Brian!
Until just under three weeks ago I worked as a psychiatric nurse and do understand/know that docs are reluctant, indeed don’t look for, ‘rare’ conditions such as DID. For after all rare conditions are so rare people don’t get them, do they… I do wonder how many folk have been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia when DID is the answer…also I have great reservations about some psychiatrists…
I would love to write to you if you are agreeable Brian. If you are, my email can be found on my blog. Once again, I salute you.
Kind regards
Anna :o]
LikeLike
Thanks for the comment Anna. I wrote this poem almost ten years ago and the within and without are more poetic license and rhythm than anything profound. I don’t take comments personally, I know how easy it is to press enter w/o meaning to. I was never diagnosed with anything. Dewy Knickers first appeared on my original (now private) blog in June 2006. For the rest of the year and particularly after Dewy started her own blog in Sept. 2006, many other multiples started showing up and commenting. The friend I mentioned in this post was on such multiple and it was the morning after we got back from a visit that I woke up with the understanding I was a multiple as well. Dewy’s first words were ‘Took you long enough’. She didn’t take the name Rose until 2007 and for most of that year I was ill with the struggle to reorder our mind. Anyway, that was 10 years ago and things are very calm and ordered now.
LikeLike
Maybe I can’t fully understand this place you live but I do like and respect that you can speak about it. It shouldn’t matter to people who care.
LikeLike
That’s okay, the clinical definition of DID doesn’t really apply to us anyway. But then again I have never been fond of labels. To put it simply, there are six individuals in one body. The body is called Brian, the birth name, as well as the dominant personality that is writing this comment and posting at this blog. Rose is the only female and is the second most active personality. She blogged as herself from 2006 to 2009 which you can read about by clicking the link.
LikeLike
Thanks Brian, I would like to read Rose’s blog.
LikeLike
I put the her links in the explanation of the post but here is the link to her travel book. I recommend reading this first as it will explain how we interact with others.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brain, I can’t wait to meet Rose. And see more of your colors… ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
LikeLike
I just noticed my Freudian Slip. I meant to write Brian, of course. 🙂
LikeLike
Not a problem, happens all the time. 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks for commenting. You can read Rose’s blog anytime. https://dewyknickers.wordpress.com/knickers-abroad-a-multiple-journey/
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing your personal journey and those who journey with you… how wonderful is this world when we can all be together and share the uniqueness of our lives. I wish all of you well and hope to read more of your writings! Thanks Brian.
LikeLike
Thanks for reading and commenting. It can be a wonderful world.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your poem is beautiful and opens a dialogue between and among persons. We are all different in one way or the other and because of those differences, this world is a lovelier place to be in. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story.
LikeLike
Thank you as well for commenting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The journey through your poem is salutary and salient in light of opposing forces which seem to be manifesting in many places around the world, exhumed politically. It is a reminder, as is your poem that the rich complexity of humanity is one and that in understanding differences we connect, whether I is differences within or without.
LikeLike
The world has always been divided. The great disappointment of the digital age is how it how more open knowledge has driven people even further apart.
LikeLike
I wonder if it has. I don’t think for instance that FB should be seen as any more of a general guide than backfence or public bar gossip could be in times past.
LikeLike
There was a recent article about FB and how the combination of fake news stories and people only reading within their own group’s bubbles has simply reinforced the political and social belief systems of people across all spectrums. People simply are unable and/or unwilling to seek out the truth, only parrot what like-minded ‘friends’ espouse. Facebook has become the de facto source of record for hundreds of millions of people. The difference btwn gossip and news of the past is that it took awhile to disseminate and thus lost some of its punch, much like the telephone game. Today, it is all instant reaction w/o the cautionary filter of face-to-face interaction. Very little that is said online could be said in person w/o having adverse effects.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fair enough, I agree in terms of FB and yes, I am sure you are right, people read something and take it as fact without checking or even applying common sense.
LikeLike
The poem is very timely, even if our was originally written for a very different reason. Thank you for the background information too!
LikeLike
You are most welcome. Context is everything.
LikeLike
Great poem. Context is indeed everything. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLike
Thanks Paul for reading.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this, Brian. I applaud your attitude…why not? Exactly.
LikeLike
Thank you Kay. I figured you would understand. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you wrote this–genuine authenticity is always good, in my opinion. It’s helpful for readers (myself) to understand this aspect…as, when I was reading and commenting from my previous blog, I got confused by some of your comments. I don’t remember the exchange, and it doesn’t matter–what matters is that it now makes sense to me. I salute you, and send you best wishes–and will keep you in my prayers, Brian.
LikeLike
Understanding enables compassion.
LikeLike
It certainly does–more people need to speak up. For instance, I deal with depression/anxiety, etc etc–sometimes life feels too overwhelming, especially since I have no support system whatsoever. Sorry to “whine” 🙂 Again I must tell you how much I love the name of your blog! Sometimes I look at the sky, trying to see all the poets 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks Stella. I appreciate the comments. This link goes to a poem called “D is for Depression that I wrote years ago and reposted.
LikeLike
Oh, thank you for the link–I’ll check it out later 🙂 🙂
LikeLike
Pingback: Finding time to redecorate | There Are More Poets than Stars in the Firmament
Gobsmacked. That is what I felt reading this. And I don’t mean it in a negative way. I felt it viscerally. The honesty is impactful. Brave, strong, honest and amazing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the comment and follow on my blog. I don’t plan to update that blog, but I occasionally blog as Bawdy Wench at at different blog here. https://bawdywench.wordpress.com/
This is a second post that Brian wrote that’s here.
Rose
xo
LikeLike
Thank you. We thank you. 🙂
LikeLike